Family Experience: Make It Personal

Yesterday vs. Today
By Kristen Ivy

It wasn’t very long ago that I stepped out of college and into my first ”real job” as a high school teacher. There were so many things that I experienced that year: realizing that I determined the class rules, that my lessons were responsible for training students, that other people looked to me as an expert in my given subject (Literature). Even as unsettling as these realizations were, I knew that they were all part of the job. This was what I had been trained to do. This was why I had taken courses in classroom management and Shakespearian tragedy. This was why I had spent countless hours apprenticing under more experienced teachers.

But there was one part of the job that I hadn’t trained for—parenting.

I can remember vividly the face of a woman with years more experience than me, looking at me and asking for advice on how to discipline her daughter. She wasn’t alone. Whether through e-mail or in a face-to-face conversation, many parents seemed to express uncertainty in their own ability to parent their teenagers. As I began to look more closely, I noticed that even those who weren’t expressing their uncertainties seemed to be living them out in the way they interacted with their children.

As I thought about these parents I was struck with the question: What would motivate an adult who is successful and competent to turn to a recent college graduate for advice on raising their child?

My observations led me to believe that one of the most basic and powerful obstacles these parents faced was guilt. Whether it’s was an ambiguous guilt over feeling inadequate to help their child meet certain standards or whether the guilt came from a more specific piece of family history, many parents seemed to be constantly doubting their own ability to parent their child.

Guilt is a powerful thing. It robs us of joy. It limits our relationships. And it prevents us from being the people we were created to be. No matter what the source of your guilt may be, no matter how much you feel you deserve your guilt and no matter how strongly others may add to your guilt through explicit or implicit reminders of your shortcomings, one thing is certain—your guilt isn’t helping anyone.

Guilt cannot heal the past. Guilt cannot somehow serve as penance to change the future.

After spending hours upon hours immersed in the world of high school students, here is what I know—teenagers need their parents. And they need them to be parental. They have other friends. They even have other mentors and role models. But they do not have other parents.

Don’t let the things that you wish you could have done, or should have done, or would have done differently impede you from what you can do today. Forgive yourself—work at it, because sometimes it’s a process. Learn from the past. But be the mom or dad your child needs today.

Session Two: Letting Go
Chances are when we began talking about forgiveness, someone very specific came to mind—someone who did something to hurt you and who you haven’t quite figured out how to pardon. Who is that person that wounded you or disappointed you? When you think of your hurt do you see only the person who offended you? If you’re like most, it’s hard to separate the wrong done to you from the person who hurt you. But what if you began to see him or her as a human being? What if you learned how to name the origin of the hurt? It may help you move forward. It may even begin to help you release the pain.

Bottom Line: Letting go involves identifying the offense and trusting God to fix what was broken.

Scripture References: 1 Peter 4:8; Proverbs 10:12; Colossians 3:13; Genesis 1:27; 1 Peter 5:7

We are launching a new series this week called "release" about forgiveness! So, in honor of that I have a question for you and here it is...

We just got done celebrating the fact that we have been forgiven of everything by one who died for us…I think we should return the favor and forgive someone ourselves…

Finish this statement.

I need to forgive...

First Things First:

It feels good to receive forgiveness, doesn’t it? When we’ve messed up, when we’ve hurt someone, we want to know that what we’ve done wrong can be overlooked and gotten over. But when we’ve been hurt, when we’ve been wounded, when we’re the one left a little worse for the wear, it’s not quite as easy to extend forgiveness, is it? Still, as difficult as it is to do, there’s a value in pursuing forgiveness. There’s a value in being committed to the process—no matter how long it takes. And it goes beyond something we “should” do to something we have to do for the sake of ourselves—and for our future.

Bottom Line: As a recipient of forgiveness, become a dispenser of forgiveness.

Scripture References: Genesis 4:3-8, 15, 24; Matthew 18:21-22, 23-35

When was the last time you had to ask for forgiveness?
When was the last time someone asked you for forgiveness?

We all want forgiveness, but we’re not always eager to give it out, are we? And for some of us, there are some very big hurts that have a grip on our lives. Things that were done, or not done, that wounded us. Even the very memory of those things brings up the emotions as fresh as they were when they were new. So how do you move on? How do you get past the hurt and pain? And how do you push past something you know you should do to the point where you can finally release it?