Family Experience: Create a Rhythm
A Better Story
By Tim Walker

I’ve been reading a book called A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. It’s by one of my favorite writers, Donald Miller. I like it, but this is not a review or a recommendation. I only mention this to make sure you realize that what I am about to say is not my original idea. It’s from the book. In fact, what I am about to say pretty much sums up the theme of the book. The theme is story.

In the book, Miller talks about this concept of story and how we are all living a story. He talks about how his life had gotten mundane, and how even when opportunities to live a different story and improve his own came up, he would often let them pass by. Then one day, he felt like God was telling him to search for his dad, whom he hadn’t seen in years. And this time, instead of ignoring the prospect, he decided to do something about it. He actually tracked his dad down and had an awkward, but good encounter. Following that, he had the opportunity to go to Peru and hike the mountains. And he did it. Then he took a bike ride across the country. He decided to start eating better and exercising more, not for the sake of vanity, but because those were the things he needed to do in order to accomplish the things he wanted to do. He began to realize if he wanted his story to turn out differently, he would have to make intentional changes.

It may seem that Miller, who is in his mid-thirties, is merely taking care of himself or increasing his self-discipline. It’s the kind of thing you hear from someone who publishes one of those diet books or writes a self-help book or shares their story on Oprah. If Don were a little bit older, say my age at 41, some people might even say he’s simply having a midlife crisis.

But there was something more going on there. And after having read Don’s book, there’s something about this idea of story that I can’t seem to shake. I don’t know about you, but my life is, well, routine. Predictable. Maybe even a little monotonous. There are things that I “do” and “don’t do.” For example, every Thursday night I watch “my shows.” I eat the same cereal every morning. I go to bed at the same time every night and get up at the same time every morning. And there are times when I feel like I’ve created some really deep ruts in my life. You know what ruts are, don’t you? Well-worn paths, almost like ditches that you get stuck in. And occasionally, when I allow myself to really think about it, there are times when I feel like my comfort, my desires and my expectations have motivated me to settle for a lesser, smaller story. And the result or lack of result shows up in my everyday life.

It shows up in the ways I interact with my wife. It shows up in the ways I interact with my kids. I’m willing to just live out a very small, very boring story because it all feels very safe just the way it is. And before I know it, the hours and the days seem to fly by. The time between when I get home from work and when I go to bed always seems like a blur. Today feels like yesterday, which feels like the day before, which feels like the day before that.

But what if you and I could be a part of something bigger? What if, instead of letting our stories solely be about who needs to go where and when, what’s for dinner or is my shirt clean, we lived our lives with the intent of becoming part of God’s story? A story that may involve drama, action, tears, even tension.

What if, when we have a little extra cash—a rare thing these days, I know—we don't try to figure out how to make our lives more comfortable, but instead look for a way to use that money and, as a family, work together to make someone else’s life a little better?

What if we reach out to someone who doesn't have a family of his or her own? What if we have that person over for dinner once or twice a month?

What if I find ways to show my sons that life is less about them and more about being a part of what God is doing in the world? What if I give them experiences to help them live out the truths from the Bible?

If I do those things, I would begin to live out the story I want both for my family and for me. I would be making the story I want my boys to be a part of a reality instead of just hoping they arrive someplace “good” someday—as adult children who love God and love others. My life would have more intent, more purpose.


And working towards participating in this kind of story begins with one thing, one action, one step. I don’t need a life makeover. I just need to make some different choices—some choices that reflect the kind of story I want to be a part of. I need to actually do some things instead of just thinking about them. What is one thing in my life that I can change to make my story more interesting, more significant? It may not be hiking in Peru or biking across the country, it may a lot less complicated and start a lot closer to home. But the improvement to my story does have to start somewhere. And right now, it starts here.

I know this isn’t going to be easy. I also know that I may not do this very well. I may have this on my to-do list for a while before I actually do something. But I also know that time is passing by way too quickly, and as much as I hate to admit it, days go by without any distinction. There’s nothing memorable about a week or a month or even a year. And that isn’t the kind of story I want to stay in.

What about you?

This Christmas, as we remember a story that is so amazing, so wonderful and so mind-blowing, we are going to challenge your child to think of the story not just as a history, or even a great story, but as something that has meaning and significance to us today. It’s a story that is still going on.

And it’s a story that plays out in your life and mine. We are given the choice to join in the story. We are given the chance to be part of what God is doing.

So today, wrestle with this question: What can I do to be a part of a better story, God’s story? And how can I lead my family to be a part of it as well?

© 2009 The reThink Group, Inc. All rights reserved.

Parents we watched this video on Sunday. It was the end of our "Upside Down" series about the kingdom of God. We ended the series by asking this question. If we have been invited to join God in His Kingdom...then in what small and large ways are you participating?

Kids are dying for encouragement! Why do parents, teachers and coaches withhold it so much? It's gold when given away.

Discovery Parents, You're Invited...

To Join your Jr. high or High School student at Discover Church's student ministries open house.

Come and experience your student's world and see how they learn about God, Faith and Values.

Jr. High Open House:
Sunday, Sept 13th 2009
Doors open at 11:30

High School open House:
Wednesday, Sept. 16 2009
Doors open at 7:00pm

The older I get, the more my list of “if onlys” grows. I turn 40 this year, and there are all kinds of situations I wish I’d handled differently. There are choices I wish I’d made another way. There are conversations I wish I would or wouldn’t have had. There are some relationships that I wish I would have pursued more and others I wish I had avoided. There are things I wish I would have tried and others I wish I hadn’t.

But most of my regrets come in the area of parenting. There are so many times I walk away from a situation and think, “I wish I would have handled that differently.” And because of my perfectionist nature, I start thinking about what a bad dad I am and how much better other parents are. Why can’t I be like them? Why can’t I handle everything well?

The reality is that there is so much emotion mixed up with parenting, isn’t there? The stakes seem so high. I want to make sure my three boys navigate their way through life with less scars and fewer regrets than their dad. And when it comes to disciplining their behavior, it feels like I have to “nip it in the bud” because I’m always thinking about the worst-case scenario.

Just the other day, my oldest son was lying around playing video games. His room was a mess, and the trashcan in the kitchen needed to be emptied. And in my head, I didn’t think, “Help him learn the consequences of these decisions.” Instead, I thought, “Oh my gosh, if I don’t do something about this now, this kid is going to be a total slacker who can’t take care of himself. He’ll be living in my basement when he’s 40!” I know, it’s a little extreme. Like I said, the stakes are high and I want him to succeed in life. The problem is, I don’t always go about helping him do that in the best way, and I regret it later.

I want to be better at being a dad. I want to help my sons grow up into men of character. The reality I have come to terms with—because it stares me in the face every day—is that I’m not going to get this right every time. As a parent, I’m going to mess up. I’m going to handle things poorly sometimes. Hopefully those will be the times my kids look back on and make fun of me, and not the ones they bring up in a therapy session.

But for me, I can’t just stop at naming my regret. So when I overreact to something stupid, or don’t address something I should have, I try to learn from the “if only” moments. I try to make a different choice the next time something happens. I try to take a step back and look at the actual situation instead of the one I fear.

Now, I know I’ll mess up again. I probably will have a repeat of this “if only” just because I’m a slow learner. But hopefully at some point, the “If onlys” will start to decrease. I’m never going to get it right all of the time, but hopefully I’ll start getting it right most of the time. I’ll always have regrets—it’s just how I’m wired. But when it comes to my kids, I want to have the “if onlys” less and just enjoy the process, even when I’m not at my best.

WHY I TAKE MY SON TO YOUTH GROUP
By Tim Walker

It’s funny how much I knew about parenting before I became one. I had all these absolute statements and strong ideas about what I would and wouldn’t do—usually based on how I felt my parents handled something or based on something I observed around me. “I’ll never let my kids pitch a fit in the store.” “I’ll never tell my kids, ‘Because I said so.’”

I knew so much—until I brought my son home from the hospital. Then I realized how little I knew. And it doesn’t get any better. Each new stage, each year, brings new challenges. Just when I think I have things figured out, some new surprise comes along. Now I look at new dads and have empathy instead of criticism.

I also have a new perspective on how my parents handled things, and realize that while they didn’t handle every situation perfectly, I’m certainly not capable of perfection either. There are too many factors that go into seeing a situation so clearly—my own history, my fears, my mood, plus my wife’s history, mood, and fears.

So at this point in the journey, with a middle school student in my house, I can honestly say I don’t know everything about being a dad. But I do know one thing—I can’t do this alone.

I can sense it every day. I can see my son looking for some other figure in his life, in addition to his dad and mom. I can feel him wanting to be a part of the grown-up world, and have other adults in his life who can connect with him. Cooler adults. Adults who can throw the football better than me. Adults who like the same teams he does.

And as much as I think I can be all that for my son, the reality is I can’t. I need other people. I’m not stepping down from my job. I’m still here as a dad, but I need other people who will pour good things into him. I need other people who will reinforce some of the things I’ve tried to teach him about God, about character, about being a man.

That’s what youth group is for me. It’s that place where my son can connect with other teens, but also other adults. I don’t expect my 20-something student pastor to give me parenting advice. In fact, honestly, I would be a little insulted if he did. When he becomes a parent and has teenagers, then we’ll talk. But the thing the people in that room get that I struggle with is how to connect with my changing son. That’s what they are passionate about. And quite honestly, that’s what they are good at. Whether it’s through playing a silly game or having a time of worship, they are passionately pursuing ways to connect with kids like my son.

That’s why I drop him off at youth group. That’s why I pay the $10 for an outing, or sign the permission form, or become the carpool for his friends. Because I know I can’t do it alone. I also know that I have a role to play here. I’m still dad, but to help my son move to adulthood, I need other adults pouring into him as well.

I don’t have this parenting thing figured out. And I have a feeling it’s a constant learning process. But one thing I do know is that my son needs me, but he also needs more than me. And that’s a good and natural thing. I just need to find a good place where he can find that.

So when he comes home covered in oatmeal after eating it out of a trough as part of some kind of crazy middle school game, I know that oatmeal is more than just something I have to clean up, it’s part of him finding connection to some very good things.

Parents, do you know what sexting is? I bet you kid does! Watch this video to find out how serious a problem it really is...

It’s no secret that middle school and high school students are dealing with identity issues.
They want to know who they are, why they matter and where they fit in. The trouble is that while their natural self-awareness is heightened, comments that are intended for discipline and correction are easily interpreted as personal character attacks.

Maybe this sounds familiar? You are frustrated because your son brought home a progress report showing multiple homework zeros. You try to correct him, but he gets defensive and starts telling you that he’s sorry he’s not smart enough for you or sorry you think he’s such a worthless son. Maybe nothing so dramatic has happened in your house, but that doesn’t mean the potential isn’t there—it may be just under the surface.

Discipline and correction are an important part of parenting, and they sometimes seem almost impossible with a teenage son or daughter. But don’t give up. Your child needs you to be involved and alert to what is happening in his or her life, and actively correcting behaviors that could lead your child to places he or she doesn’t want to be. However, the language you use when correcting him or her can make a big difference.

Because we are human, we are wired to react to our children out of frustration when we see them making choices that are inconsiderate, lacking in self-control or potentially self-destructive. When we respond this way, we often make “you are” statements: You are so lazy. You are so selfish. Or we will make broad sweeping “you never” and “you always” statements. What we really intend as correction ends up sounding a whole lot more like an attack on the value and worth of our child.

Understand, we all do it. It’s just a natural reaction to the frustration and hurt we feel as we navigate the tumultuous waters of adolescence with them. But there are better words for us to choose.

This month, try to be especially alert to the words that you use when correcting your son or daughter. You may need to allow yourself time to step back from a particular situation before you enter into a correctional conversation. That’s okay. You can let your child know you are going to discuss it after dinner, or tomorrow when you come to pick them up from school. Then when you do have the conversation, try to use specific language to address the behavior that you want to correct. You can think of it as using “You are doing” statements. Words that let them know that while what they have chosen to do or say in this particular instance is not okay, that doesn’t affect who they are, how you love them and whether you believe the best about them.

When you are intentional about the words you use when you discipline, you can have a positive impact on your son or daughter’s self-image and also help them make wiser choices.

The average child hears their mother or father utter six expletives a week with up to 86 per cent saying they felt their parents' swearing as well as the language of celebrities such as Gordon Ramsay and Jonathan Ross set a bad example.

The poll of 3,000 11-year-olds show two out five children were using swear words at an earlier age, admitting to using them in their everyday language because they heard their parents use them.

More than one in three however have asked their parents to stop swearing in front of them with almost half admitting it upset them.

Peter Foot, chairman of the Campaign for Courtesy said: "We need parents to be the ones to put their children right before they ever get to school with 'please' and 'thank yous', rather than leaving it to teachers.

"But this is awful, appalling really. There are some age groups now who can't say a single sentence without the F-word in it."

A spokesman for research site youngpoll.com, which carried out the study, said: "When youngsters hear their parents use swear words so frequently, it's inevitable that they will pick up bad habits.

"Parents should be aware that children are easily influence and will try to replicate what they say whether it's swear words or not.

"When adults hear a young child swear it's very easy to find it humorous, yet any use of bad language should be nipped in the bud at an early age."

This article was copied from churchrelavance.com .

According to NDP Group, kids are increasingly using digital media to acquire information. While this is not surprising, the growth rate statistics are fascinating.

Among kids ages 2 to 14 in 2008:

92% use a computer (down from 94% in 07)
85% play video games (up from 80% in 07)
82% of kids ages 2 to 5 play video games (up from 79% in 07)
57% of girls play video games (up from 50% in 06)
30% of kids ages 6 to 9 own a portable video game device
60% use portable digital music devices (up from 51% in 07)
20% of kids ages 6 to 9 own a digital music device
51% use a cellphone (up from 49% in 07)
30% of kids ages 6 to 9 own a cellphone
22% download ringtones
22% watched TV digitally on a computer, cellphone, gaming device, or music device (up from 17% in 07)

Three trends that particularly stand out to me are:

Video Game Momentum: It has been a long time since Atari, Mario, and Duck Hunt, so I am surprised to see video game usage among kids still growing at such a startling rate of 80% in 2007 to 85% in 2008. It seems hard to imagine kid culture being more fixated on video games, but clearly the love for gaming will only grow stronger.

Diaper Gamers: Four out of every five 2 to 5-year-olds play video games. Think about that. Some still struggle with pooping their pants or wetting the bed, yet they are learning how to master gaming. While playing video games at such a young age does not completely rewire a kid’s ability to enjoy childlike things, I do believe early gaming makes kids pickier and raises their level of expectations for entertainment.

Instant Gratification: Unless you are 8 years old, it is difficult to imagine growing up in a world where you can often instantly watch your favorite show, listen to your favorite song, call your best friend, look up an answer, or play a game. While these conveniences are wonderful, they also eliminate many opportunities to learn patience and self-discipline.
Because these conveniences change kid culture, it is important that children’s ministers and parents both emphasize the importance of good character and provide kids with opportunities to develop their character.

For Discussion:-
-What do you think of these statistics?
- How do you see digital media changing kid culture?
- What methods work for reaching kid culture?

A recent poll by Common Sense Media discovered that parents’ biggest health concern for their kids is the overuse of media. In fact, other studies show that kids spend as much as 45 hours per week with media such as iPods, social networks, TV, and video games.

Parents’ View of Media

96% of parents said that they are responsible for monitoring their childrens media use
68% of parents think media influences the health and well-being of their kids
57% of parents are concerned about their kids overusing media
13% of parents were able connect the dots when it came to the influence that media has on their health of their children

The Biggest Concern

29% of parents rank television as their #1 concern
24% rank the Internet as #1
18% rank video games as #1

The Effects of Media

89% of parents with children aged 5 to 7 reported that the media prompted their kids to request toys and dolls
71% of parents with teens aged 14 to 16 say they think media persuaded their kids to ask for iPods and computers

A month ago I went back to Visalia to do a funeral for a student who was in my youth group. He had taken some prescription drugs that one of his friends gave him...they were from his parents medicine cabinet. They weren't bought from a dealer or by illegal means. Parents, your job is difficult, I learn this everyday more and more, there is no handbook on how to be a parent or raise children. My friend sent me this from Fox News...after our conversation about Cory's funeral. Parent, Please watch this and act on it!

All families fight; we just fight in different ways. But regardless of how your family handles disagreements, we can choose what we will fight about. In The Good Fight series, we will begin with the sometimes difficult call to honor our parents, found in Ephesians 6:1. Then we’ll build on that to show that God desires for children and parents to turn their hearts toward each other and have a relationship. In order to have the good relationship with our parents God intends, we have to learn how to change the fight first. We have to stop fighting against "their way" and start fighting for a relationship. That sometimes means surrendering our right to be right and prioritizing relationship regardless of the cost.